A Basis of Increased DV During Pregnancies????

I am in the process of reading Dr. Keith Ablow's (a forensic psychiatrist) book entitled Inside the Mind of Scott Peterson which has been an interesting read most definately insofar as understanding the backgrounds of both Scott and Laci which may have led them to the fatefull night.

While reading the book, and in having a background with working with domestic violence situations, something that Dr. Ablow struck me funny (not funny ha ha - funny peculiar):

"Becoming a father can shake the psychological foundation of even well-adjusted men. But they can't tell anyone what is happening inside them. The subject is taboo. With all the celebration around him, a future father has no one to talk to about his doubts. His wife would be hurt to know he had any. He can't even turn to his own father, who would be loath to divulge any second thoughts he might hav had brining a child into the world, given that his child is the one asking the question.

You might think a man's friends would listen to his worries. But amongst men there is a conspiracy of silence on this topic. ...

We create a tidal wave of celebration, big enough to drown out any other emotion."

Question: Is it this same thinking that causes some men to lose it when their partner/wife is pregnant with a child??? Does more outreach need to be done to cover this area of thinking -- in an effort to diminish some of the DV during pregnancies? Should an OB/GYN refer the partner/spouse to counselling when the woman becomes pregnant instead of the entire treatment be focused entirely on the pre-natal health of the baby and the woman????

Interesting....


Some statistics --

For 30% of women who experience abuse, the first incident occurs during pregnancy. -- Gazmararian JA, Petersen R, Spitz AM, Goodwin MM, Saltzman LE, Marks JS. “Violence and reproductive health; current knowledge and future research directions.” Maternal and Child Health Journal 2000; 4(2):79-84

Stuttering: A matter of mind over matter???

I was talking to a shipping/receiving manager today at one of the stores I frequent for merchandising and we got to discussing left handed folks because he stated that, because he writes with his left hand, it makes it more difficult for people to imitate because most folks write with their right hand.

He also mentioned as part of his story that he had a friend Carl that he grew up with in Dallas, and had later become a prominent real estate person. However, while growing up Carl's friends would all try to help him with his stuttering to overcome it. Carl eventually went to University of Arkansas while this manager went to Baylor. At any rate, while Carl was there he attended some speech therapy programs and they thought that they would try to do something. They allowed him to write with his left hand.

As a result, his stuttering decreased to the point of completely disappearing as he retaught himself to write with his left hand.

Is there a connection with the brain when we force a child to change his manner of penmanship merely because it is status quo to be writing with the right hand???? In this case, there certainly seemed to be a connection in that the brain was less confused by writing with his left hand naturally and the stuttering disappeared. Is this what precipitated the change in society's thinking about taking away the child's natural ability to use his/her left hand - not only in writing????

That is something certainly to look further into and learn from for future reference in dealing with children's battles of having a dominance in one hand or another. Sometimes, I guess it just doesn't pay to play with mother nature, does it???

Duplicative Love

When parents divorce and remarry on down the road, it is hard on the children to understand how, if you can 'unlove', how could you love again and still love others around you.

My daughter asked me the other day about, if I had more than one child, how would I split my love between them. I told her that it really isn't about splitting the love, but I didn't go much further than that to explain that to her in depth.

What I did mean to explain was about duplicative love - meaning, that it is important for a person to be able to duplicate the love they feel for one person and love the other person in much the same way and intensity. I have always believed it was possible and couldn't understand others who felt that you can only love one person or another; however, we do it all the time. We love our spouse as much as we love our children, and vice-a-versa. We love our spouse as much as we love our parents, and vice-a-versa.

The way we express our love for others may differ. For example, we become intimate with our spouse to demonstrate our love for them; for our children, we demonstrate our love through exuding unconditional love for them when they do wrong (showing them that we will always be there for them); for our parents, we show are love by obeying and respecting them. All in all though, we love each and every one of them just as much as we love the other.

When we don't feel the love has been reciprocated though, our emotions and feelings come into play and affects our very psyche, our soul. Therefore what sayeth you? are you loving those around you as much as you love the other? are you demonstrating that on a daily basis? What will you do today to ensure the loved ones' psyche goes unbroken and they know how much you love them?

Remember - duplicative love. How have you duplicated your love today???

Would you, could you date and/or marry a registered sexual offender???

It is one thing to find out that the person you are dating has had an offense for a hot check or something non-malicious; after all, no one who is any degree of a risk taker can be perfectly perfect. At least, chances are you are going to run into some people who have had some degree of run-in with the law - even if it is just for a traffic ticket, parking ticket(s), etc.

It is quite another thing to know that the person you are dating has had an offense for a sexual assault, even if it is statutory (meaning that they had had sex with someone under 18 years old). If they were in their 20's at that time, you might be able to lessen the degree of the offense in your mind because so many folks are 2-10 years in age differences who "fall in love" and/or have romantic interests. You can also lessen the offense in your mind if it occurred only once and has never occurred again; however, this doesn't fly in my mind any more after my, now ex-, husband had told me that he had been pulled over for a DWI less than 3 months before our wedding. I told him, then, that, it being his first offense, it shouldn't be the end of the world; come to find out though, it not only wasn't his first, it was his third DWI.

What does that have to do with a sexual offender? Well, oftentimes, it isn't their first and only occurence; it is merely the first time, perhaps, that they have been caught. Sexual offenders have an intense desire for sex; sometimes, to the point that they look for the easiest person to access. If they don't have a girlfriend or spouse (or feel that they aren't getting enough), they begin to look elsewhere.

So, if you do date a person who has been a registered sexual offender, can you trust him? Can you take him around your family? Do you tell your family? If you don't tell your family (to avoid possible passing of judgements), what if something happends to one of them or their kids? Could you live with the guilt? If you have children of your own, what does that make you if you put them in potential danger? Having a sexual offender in your home, suddenly you become judged as well because it is your address listed on the registered sexual offenders list. What will the neighbors think?

On the other hand, just because people make one, or a few, mistake(s), it doesn't mean that they necessarily need to be treated as a villian for a lifetime, does it? After all they are a human being as well with feelings just like you and me. Isolating, or marking, them in a way that they feel that they can't move forward with their lives and try to live as normalized a life as possible can seem hopeless for them. If they do fall in love, don't they deserve the possible happiness that everyone else has the opportunity to enjoy??

While people joke sometimes about doing criminal background checks on those that they are dating, does it hurt to do sexual offender list checks to see if your potential date, future boyfriend, or future spouse is on the list??? And, what do you do with this information once you have it??? Do you give them a chance for love -- or, do you "run like hell" and hope that the next person you meet isn't also found on the sexual offender list??

I had a man announce this to me that I had been corresponding with recently, which has spawned all of these questions in my mind. For example:

What is the psyche of the sexual offender? What is their soul like? Are they permanently restrained in life for-ever and for-ever destined to live a lonely life? Will they ever live "normalized" lives (as normalized as it can be) once again?

For those who look at the positive aspects at people, should they look at the positive aspects of the real person behind the sexual offender label? Is this the same type of person who looks at the positive side of a murderer (ie the Mendez brothers on death row for killing their parents) and go to the extent of marrying them anyways??

Just some psychological things to think about sexual offender people...and, where you just might stand with respect to having a relationship with a sexual offender person.

Command Presence...

Ever walk into a store and be shopping, minding your own business, and suddenly you are looked to as the authority figure at that store, possibly even mistaken for the manager or owner of that store, simply by the way you are presenting yourself???? It happends to me all of the time; however, it never clicked to me what you would entitle it as until I was taking my Commissioned Security Officer training and my instructor pulled me aside stating that what was going to make me successful was that I had "command presence".

It sounded nice so I nodded and went on my way; however, his words echoed in my mind -- especially as specific examples would occur -- similar to the shopping store incident which is all too familiar to me as I work in a career path of merchandising in retail stores.

Another example was when a group of security officers went to a theatre to guard a movie that was in preview stages with myself being among them. A person from the client theatre came to the group and asked who was in charge; I knew that I wasn't the intended, but that person didn't even speak up. The client turned to me and said, "Come. You look like you are in charge." I wasn't going to argue with the client and make our group look unorganized; therefore, I accepted the responsiblity and moved forward.

I usually have the attention of people I am talking to because of this presence as well. It isn't an arrogance, but more of a self-confidence that exudes and makes others perceive me as the authority figure in charge.

Now, when I am being interviewed, I tell the story about my command presence when they ask in the interview process about your strengths and weaknesses.

Why do you suppose that some people have this natural innate ability to portray themselves with this command presence while others sit back, observe and watch, and appear like a flower hanging on a wall, with no exceptional presence at all? Does it have some sort of a psychological basis to it??? or, just a natural born ability that is inbred in us prior to birth or learned after we are born???

I guess this might go hand in hand with why some people are born leaders and others are followers. This might have some more to do with it as I have been criticized for my being a take-charge type of person rather than one to sit back and let decisions be made by others (in a place with too many chiefs and not enough indians, I don't survive too well).

So far, my "command presence" is getting me places these days. I am certainly very grateful for that.

Do you have "command presence"? How do you best utilize it to your advantage? Do you ever take advantage of something knowing that you have command presence?

Just curious.

Anger Management

Some people know how to control their anger; some people don't. Some attribute it to their mental health statuses; others say that they just need a mental health day.

My first and second husbands went through such classes after being in domestic violent situations with myself. It was interesting with my second husband, his counselor offered him a test by having me "meow" after each and every instance where he was beginning to raise his voice or I sensed him getting into an anger mode. After a few days of doing this, he said "Alright, already! I get it now!!"

Some people just don't realize that they have anger management issues until it is clearly pointed out to them. My daughter also occasionally has some anger management issues and I told her that "I don't appreciate how you are treating me." She responded by stating, "Well you know that I have anger management issues." Well, yes, I do; however, that isn't any excuse to allow someone to continue having their anger management issues.

At the same token, anger management isn't something that is going to change over night. Intolerance of the physical and emotional harm and patience in dealing with someone dealing with overcoming anger management issues is required. Additionally, likened to any other 12-step program to change their behaviors, they must want and desire to change before the change to occur.

I recently met a wonderful man that had been corresponding back and forth, as well as communicating via telephone calls with me for quite some time, took me out to dinner and treated me like a princess that evening. I had such a wonderful time that I couldn't wait to see him again. We made arrangements to meet again and attend a Christmas Party. He wanted to meet at a public parking spot to leave his car rather try to find my home or the place of the party. I gave him instructions to a large Walmart location and narrowed it down to the Whataburger in front of it to meet. I hadn't counted on the changes in the construction since I hadn't driven in that area in the past week, and he got lost. He had no cell phone; I tried to reach his home number and ended up leaving voice mails and/or talking to his son. I waited 1-1/2 hours for him; he was driving around lost for 1-1/2 hours. By the time he found me, he stated to me that I was "insensitive" for picking that place. He wasn't cognizant of the fact that I had been patiently waiting for him and had attempted to contact him somehow. Instead, he got out of his car, proceed to firmly state that he was upset and displeased and the fact that we are not going anywhere; in fact, that he was going to go straight home. I, in a soft voice, appologized to him and tried to explain to him that I didn't know about the recent construction changes and asked him if we could just go somewhere else for the evening. He raised his voice, said NO very emphatically, and pulled away from me and walked quickly to his car and started to leave. Mystified and stunned, I turned to my car and left to go home. This certainly wasn't the same man that I met a few days prior; but, that is typical of those who have anger management issues. I called his son to let him know that his father did finally appear and was very angry and upset and stated to me that he was heading home.

It is probably just as well that he showed his true colors to me this soon before we started having a potential long-term relationship. The fact that I recognized this flag, too, was good and didn't fall trap in trying to make it right and fix the situation, as I have done in the past.

Psychologically, this can be hard on the soul - both for the person having anger management issues and the person receiving the brunt end of the anger. Sometimes, I just wish and pray that everyone could live among each other in peace. Whether or not that will ever happen, remains to be seen.

Humor: Maxine and 3 cops!!

This was sent to me via email. I think Maxine is the greatest -- what do you think????

Maxine was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
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When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
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Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
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The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she coyly said, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

College Student Arrested for Sexual Assault

This is one of the top stories today; however, this isn't just any college student. This is a student that has a sexual assault history in Michigan and has registered as a sex offender in San Marcos.

While we should feel for the victim of this man, one can't help but think - what about this guy? This will now set a tone for colleges wanting to post sexual offender notices about sexual offenders attending their college, perhaps. This sexual offender man then becomes a marked man wherever he goes. It won't be bad enough that he is registered with the local policing authorities.

Are colleges then going to eliminate a candidate for the right of their education on a campus? Will sexual offenders only find it safe to attend colleges online? Are they going to become recluses to society, not being able to leave their homes? If so, you just might as well put them in jail.

Perhaps, I am just putting the horse before the cart in reading this article published on KEYE-TV's website, Texas State Student Arrested For Sexual Assault.

Don't get me wrong. I certainly don't advocate sexual assault, nor do I feel comfortable about all sexual offenders being mixed in with society, but I don't feel that all sexual offenders are capable of recommitting sexual assault, especially if you take them away from the environment that is conducive to their types of sexual assault victims. Was this 33 year old's sexual assault victims college students in Michigan? If so, perhaps the colleges should be more careful about who they let in on their campuses.

Of course the article does point out that he had served a 5 year sentence for sexual assault; what type was or were his victim(s)? Could this have been prevented by the college not allowing him on campus?

Of course, too, they didn't state that the woman was a collge student. They simply stated it was a "San Marcos woman" who was 23 years old, which could have even been a non-college student. If so, why the focus in the title of the story about him being a Texas State University student?

At any rate, I find that their are many unanswered questions in this article and I would, as a forensic pyschology student, be interested to know more about the facts of this case matter to answer the questions of whether or not this sexual assault crime could have been prevented, will this set a precedence for Universities/Colleges to ban sexual offenders from attending their colleges, etc. I guess only time will tell.